I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

   

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

 

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

 

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.

 

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

  

The statement below is true. The statement above is false.

 

I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect.

 

KENTUCKY : Five million people, Fifteen last names.

 

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

 

In Memoriam   With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.   Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.   The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started.

 

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food.

 

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

 

Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.

 

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

 

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.