UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high

school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly

routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe

sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The

mechanics corrects the problems, document their repairs on the form,

and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked

with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance

engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had

an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

*

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

*

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

*

P: Dead bugs on

windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

*

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

*

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

*

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

*

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

*

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

*

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S : Suspect you're right.

*

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

*

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be

serious.

*

P:Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

*

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

*

And the best one for last

*

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.